


Captain Drunk Harkness

by Amjead



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drunk Ianto, Drunk Jack, If this wasn't a fan fiction, M/M, Pre-Slash, These would be bad decisions in real life, Torchwood Doesn't Exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 04:36:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2799833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amjead/pseuds/Amjead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One night, lonely introvert Ianto Jones gets a call from a stranger, a drunk man named Jack who desperately needs a ride home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain Drunk Harkness

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy it. Feel free to follow me on Tumblr (followallthefandoms) or Twitter (Amjead)

Ianto Jones was a textbook example of an introvert. He didn't have many friends and he was often found at home with his cat, Mittens. One night, like many nights for Ianto, he was sitting at home. He had gotten a new book a few days ago and was trying to read through the next chapter. Unfortunately, Ianto's mind was elsewhere.

“I don't mind being alone, but it just gets so lonely,” Ianto thought. “I know I have Mittens, but I can't hold a conversation with him. Maybe I would have more friends if I led a more exciting life, but that's never going to happen. Nothing happens to me. Oh well.”

Just then, Ianto's mobile rang. He picked it up, but didn't recognize the number. Against better judgment, he answered it anyway.

“Hello?” Ianto asked.

There was a moment in silence. 

“Hello?” Ianto asked again. 

Then, a slurry, male, American voice began speaking.

“Hellooo, Gray,” the voice said. “S'me. S'Jack.”

“Oh, great,” thought Ianto. “I've got a drunk guy on the line.”

“I'm sorry,” said Ianto into the phone. “I think you've got the wrong number.”

“No, no, no, Gray,” said the slurry man. “Don't hand up. D-don't hang, uh, up. I need- I need your help. Gray, M'drunk. M'so drunk. M'sooo drunk. None of the cabs, uh, none of the cabs'll take me. I need a ride. M'right outside The Tick-Tack Club. Please come and get me. Pleeeaaassse, Gray. Come and get... I gotta go. M'gonna throw up.”

Then the line went dead.

Ianto put down the phone and noticed Mittens looking at him.

“Wrong number,” he said to the cat. “It was a very drunk bloke. I hope he makes it home ok.”

“Meow,” said Mittens.

“He said he was at The Tick-Tack Club. I know where that it. It's not too far from here.”

Mittens meowed again.

“Poor guy thinks whoever he called is coming to get him. He sounded really out of it on the phone. What do you think I should do?”

Mittens stared blankly at Ianto. He sighed and got out of his chair.

“I can't believe I'm doing this,” said Ianto as he grabbed his jacket and walked out the door.

Five minutes later, Ianto was pulling up outside of The Tick-Tack Club. He saw a handsome man, about his age, sitting on a bench outside. He looked totally plastered.

Ianto rolled down his window and called out to him, “Hey, are you Jack?”

“Uh, yeah,” the man slurred. “Who're- who wants to know?”

Ianto recognized his voice. This was definitely the guy who called him. How many drunk American men at The Tick-Tack Club could there be?

“You accidentally called my number looking for a ride home,” said Ianto. “Whoever you asked for isn't coming.” Ianto unlocked his passenger door and pushed it open. “Hop in,” he said. “I'll take you home.”

Jack pushed himself off the bench and staggered over to the car.

As he stumbled over, Ianto thought, “It's a good thing I'm a nice guy. He could have easily been taken advantage if he had called some unsavory character.”

Once Jack was in the passenger seat and buckled in, he said, “311A Queen street.”

Ianto nodded. That was about ten minutes from where they were. So, Ianto threw his car into drive and headed in that direction.

“Who, uh, who're y-you?” Jack slurred.

“My name's Ianto,” he said.

“Ianto,” repeated Jack. “M'name's Captain Jack Harkness.”

“What are you captain of?” Ianto asked.

“Bein' drunk,” replied Jack with peals of laughter. For the rest of the drive though, Jack didn't really say anything. He just sort of drifted in and out of consciousness.

When they pulled up in front of Jack's flat block, he didn't move.

“We're here,” said Ianto. He noticed that Jack wasn't moving and asked, “Are you all right?”

“M'not ok,” said Jack. “Couldja- couldja help me in T'M'flat?”

Ianto was unsure about this. Jack was a stranger after all, but he could tell that Jack was in no shape to really be doing anything by himself.

So, Ianto said, “Ok. I'll help you. Just wait there. I'll come around and get the door.”

Ianto went to the other side of the car and opened the door.

He undid Jack's seat belt and said, “Try and get yourself out of the car. You can lean on me and I'll help you into your flat.”

Jack nodded and then sort of slumped towards Ianto. He helped Jack out of the car and they started walking. Jack was definitely a burden, but he was light enough for Ianto to string along.

When they got into the flat, Ianto guided Jack to a sofa and dropped him off there.

“Ok. Be safe now,” he said. Ianto turned to leave, but Jack caught him by the sleeve of his jacket. 

“Don't go,” slurred Jack. “M'scared T'be alone. Stay until the morrin'.”

“I can't do that,” said Ianto. “You don't even know me.”

“If ya were gonna hurt me, you'd already would've done it by now,” Jack reasoned. “Please stay.” 

Ianto didn't know what to do. So, he just nodded and found a nearby chair to sleep in.

 

\---

 

The next morning, Jack woke up on his sofa. His eyes were bleary and his head was pounding. When his vision came into focus, he saw Ianto asleep in a chair. Just then, Ianto woke up as well. He twitched awake with a snort and noticed Jack looking at him.

“There's a stranger in my flat,” Jack said calmly. “My memory is spotty. Let me try to piece this together. I remember calling my brother to come pick me up from the bar, but I guess you came and now you're still here. Why did you come to get me? Also, why are you still here?”

“You accidentally called me instead of your brother,” explained Ianto. “I would've been worried about you if I had just left you there. So, I went and got you. That probably wasn't the smartest move on my part, but that's what happened. I'm still here because you asked me to stay.”

“Ok,” said Jack. He pulled a phone out of his pocket. He pushed a few buttons and said, “It looks like I called a number that's one digit off from Gray's. Ok then. It appears your story checks out.”

Jack sat up. He started to stretch, but then he paused when a thought struck him.

“Did we sleep together?” Jack asked. Ianto blushed and said no. Jack nodded. “Ok then,” he said again. “Well, since you're here I might as well make you some breakfast. Do you like pancakes?”

“Oh, I couldn't stay for breakfast,” Ianto said. “I've got to get home and feed my cat and-” Ianto was interrupted by his growling stomach.

“You're stomach says otherwise,” said Jack with a knowing smile. “Come on. I'll make you breakfast.

It seemed that a decision had been made. So, Ianto just nodded his head and went along with it.

Ianto followed Jack into the kitchen and watched him prepare the pancakes.

“So, you've got a cat?” Jack asked.

“Yeah,” said Ianto with a smile. He pulled out his phone and flipped to a picture of him. He showed it to Jack and said, “That's him.”

Jack smiled and said, “Aww. He's really cute. What's his name?”

“Mittens,” Ianto replied.

Jack smiled in a friendly way and said, “You don't get out much, do you, Ianto.”

“Well, at least I'm not in bars getting drunk alone,” Ianto retorted casually. Actually, he was quite surprised that he had said something so brazen. Jack just laughed though.

“Well, at least I go _out_ to drink alone,” Jack returned. “You probably just get drunk alone at home.”

Ianto chuckled at the comeback. It seemed so weird to be bantering like this with a virtual stranger.

“It's better if I'm drunk at home,” admitted Ianto. “It's not good if I'm drunk out with people.”

“Oh yeah?” questioned Jack. “What kind of a drunk are you?”

Ianto giggle awkwardly a bit and then said, “Slutty,” nervously.

“Oh, man. I bet that's something to see,” Jack laughed. “I'll have to be around drunk you sometime.”

“I can't get drunk around you,” said Ianto. “I hardly know you.”

“Well, then get to know me,” Jack said. “Go on. Ask me anything.”

Ianto thought for a moment and then asked, “Are you really a captain?”

“What?” asked Jack, confused.

“Last night, when you told me your name, you said that you were Captain Jack Harkness,” Ianto explained. “Are you really a captain?”

“Oh,” Jack chuckled. “No. Not really. That's usually just something I say to impress pretty people. I guess drunk me was rather smitten by you.” 

Ianto unintentionally blushed and didn't say anything until after breakfast was ready.

As the two ate their pancakes, Ianto glanced around Jack's flat. 

“Do you live alone?” Ianto asked.

“Yeah,” Jack answered. “I don't mind it so much, but it gets to be pretty lonely sometimes.”

“He's a lot like me,” Ianto thought. “He's lonely too. I don't think he's as introverted as I am, but he's definitely lonely like me.”

The next thing Ianto knew, he was saying out loud, “May I take you out for coffee sometime?”

Jack laughed in a coy way and asked, “Are you asking me out on a date?”

Ianto shrugged and said, “Yeah. It would seem so.”

Jack smiled and said, “Ok. I'll call you sometime. I do have your phone number after all.” He laughed and Ianto laughed with him. Suddenly, he felt a whoosh of butterflies through his stomach.

 

\---

 

About a week later, Ianto was meeting Jack at a coffee shop for a date. The two men sat at a small table with their drinks and spot of food. Ianto was drinking tea, black. Jack had a coffee with lots of cream and sugar in it. They were splitting a large danish.

An awkward silence hung between the two men. They weren't unhappy with the date. They just didn't really know what to say. Jack took a large swig of coffee and drained it. He peered into the empty cup and struggled to come up with something to talk about.

“How's you cat?” Jack asked.

Ianto ate the last bite of danish and said, “Mittens? He's fine.”

Jack nodded and then asked, “Can I meet him?”

Ianto took a moment and lingered on Jack's question.

Then he said, “Ok.”

They tossed their trash and headed outside.

Once outside, Jack asked, “You don't mind, do you? It just seemed like something to do.”

Ianto shook his head and said, “Nah, it's fine. Wait a minute. Did you drive? If you come back to my place, you'll be leaving your car here.”

“I don't drive,” Jack answered. “Come on. Let's go.”

So, the two piled into Ianto's car again and headed off.

Not too long after, they were pulling up in front of Ianto's house.

As they walked up to the front door, Ianto said, “Now, I should warn you. Mittens isn't too crazy about strangers.” When Ianto opened the door, the cat came out of his hiding spot to greet them. Surprisingly, he brushed right passed Ianto and went to Jack. The cat purred and twirled around Jack's legs.

“Not too crazy about strangers, eh?” Jack teasingly asked.

“I'm just as surprised as you are,” said Ianto. “He's never this friendly with new people.”

“Well, I guess I'm the exception then,” said Jack.

They walked inside and Mittens followed them. Ianto hung up his jacket on a nearby hook and Jack did the same. Then he looked around. There was a living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom, and guest room all on the ground floor. There was also an upstairs. Jack could only imagine what was up there.

“You have an awfully big place for someone who lives alone,” commented Jack.

“Well, it wasn't always mine,” Ianto explained. “I was still living here when my parents passed away. So, I got the house.”

“Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,” said Jack sympathetically.

“Thank you, but don't be sorry,” said Ianto. “They've been gone for years now. I guess I'm used to it in some way.”

Then, Ianto wandered into the kitchen and said, “I know we just had a drink, but I feel like I should offer you something. Do you want anything?”

“What do you have?” Jack asked, joining Ianto in the kitchen.

Ianto opened up his refrigerator and said, “Not much. I have milk. Do you want that?”

“I can't,” replied Jack. “I'm allergic.”

“Ok then,” said Ianto. “The only other drink I have is some beer. Is that all right with you?”

Jack looked up at the clock.

“It's late enough,” he said. “Sure. I'll have a beer.” So, Ianto pulled two out and grabbed his bottle opener.

Once both bottles were open, Jack lifted his.

"Cheers," he said.

"To what?" Ianto asked.

Jack thought for a moment and then said, “To us and our forming relationship.”

A small blush came to Ianto's cheeks as he took a sip.

When the alcohol hit him, he shuddered and coughed a bit.

“Are you all right?” Jack asked.

“Yeah. I'm fine,” Ianto responded. “I'm a bit of a lightweight I guess.”

The two laughed and went back to drinking their beers.

True to Ianto's words, after that one beer, he was drunk. Also true to his words from awhile ago, he was an affectionate drunk. Jack and Ianto sat on the sofa together. He kept a hand on Jack and constantly to leaned in to him. The most amusing thing about drunk Ianto though was his lack of censor.

“I'ven't gotten laid in so so long,” Ianto slurred.

Jack just laughed. Ianto always seemed so reserved. Now there was no knowing what he would say next.

“I sw-swear T'God, M'just gonna fuck the ness guy I can,” said Ianto. Once he realized what he said, exactly he followed that up with, “D'I juss come out T'ya? I think- I think I did. I dunno. V'only recently come T'terms with the fact that M'gay. Granted, I think the fact that I askedja on a date'd prolly tip ya offfffff on M'orientation.”

Jack laughed again.

“Ianto, you're drunk,” he said.

“M'not drunk,” Ianto defended. “M'juss really tipsy. I toldja I wuss a lightweight.”

Just then, Ianto noticed that his hand was on Jack's shoulder. He didn't like it there. So, he moved it to Jack's knee.

“Hey, Jack,” Ianto loudly whispered. “We should have sex. It'd be hilarious.”

Jack laughed as he took Ianto's hand off of him.

“As funny as drunk Ianto would find it, I don't think sober Ianto would. Besides, you're too altered for sex. I'd feel like I was taking advantage of you. Maybe sometime when you're sober if you're still up to it.”

Ianto nodded and said, “You're a good guy, Jack. Thass why I like ya.” After a moment, Ianto asked, “Can we maybe make out a lil instead? Kissin's not takin' advantage. Please, Jack?”

Jack couldn't find a reason against just kissing so he agreed. In an instant, Ianto had leaned over and pressed his lips onto Jack. Jack's eyes fluttered shut as he kissed Ianto. He breathed in Ianto's scent, beer and aftershave. They were moaning into the kisses. It sounded passionate, almost obscene. Jack swirled his tongue around and could taste Ianto's mouth. It wasn't the best of tastes, but it was such a good kiss. Jack didn't care.

Jack let his hands roam around Ianto's body. Ianto did the same. Jack's hands crept up underneath Ianto shirt and his blunt nails were clawing at Ianto's back. Ianto's hands found Jack's hair. He ran his fingers back and forth through Jack's soft locks.

The kisses were desperate and lusty.

Then, Ianto pulled away and begged, “Oh, Jack. Fuck me. Fuck me please.” 

Jack leaned away from Ianto and said, “No. You're too drunk. Let's sober you up before we do anything else.”

Ianto slumped forward and sighed, “Fine.”

Jack went into Ianto's kitchen to find something to give to him. He found a banana and some peanut butter. So, Jack made Ianto a peanut butter sandwich and gave it to him with the banana and a glass of water.

“Eat this,” instructed Jack. “It'll make you feel better. Also, be sure to drink a lot of water. I don't want to hear another peep out of you until you're sober.”

Ianto nodded and did as he was told. He ate the food and drank the water.

Once Ianto was finished, Jack asked him, “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” replied Ianto. “A little woozy though.”

“Well, that's to be expected I guess,” Jack said. “That's the last time I let you drink while I'm staying sober.”

Ianto dropped his head into his hands and said, “I'm sorry. I know. I'm such an embarrassing drunk. I feel so humiliated right now. I don't even know how you can take me seriously anymore.”

Jack was concerned that Ianto was beating himself up over this. So, he sat down next to Ianto and put his arm around him.

“Hey, don't be humiliated,” Jack soothed. “You're not an embarrassing drunk. You're just an honest drunk. I just didn't want you making bad decisions while intoxicated.”

Ianto felt oddly comforted by Jack. He was caring and genuine. He wasn't going to take advantage of him. He just wanted to help. Ianto sat up and impulsively kissed Jack on the lips.

Ianto observed that this sober kiss was noticeably different than the drunk making out. When Ianto was drunkenly making out with Jack, he felt nothing, but this kiss had emotion behind it. Ianto felt the most unique flutter in his heart, stomach, and elsewhere.

Jack must have felt it too because after they pulled apart, Jack asked, “You're definitely sober now, right?”

Ianto mentally took a quick physical stock of himself and said, “Yep. I feel right as rain now.”

After a bit of silence while Jack's nerve built up, he asked, “Do you still want to have sex?”

 

Ianto paused for a moment to consider and then said, “Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> So...I'm terrible at writing drunk characters. Sorry.


End file.
